There are No words

 It's been half a year since I last blogged. I've been unable to blog about current life because it feels as though I'm not honoring all that's happened. Half a year, and yet everything has changed. Someone who I counted on everyday I can remember, my "twin", my only living sibling, my annoying yet always right advisor, my best friend, is no longer with us. We had what we thought was a pretty typical winter, but when I look back, there were things we missed. It's hard when you live so far away from family, you can feel so close at some times, and then as you move through your normal day -to-day you don't realize it's been a month since you've communicated. Paul's death has changed my life forever, but 2 months post his death, I'm learning not to feel guilty when there are good times. Does that mean we're "done" grieving and we feel fine? No way.... not sure I will ever feel that way. Will I always wonder why he died, or if there was anything I could have done differently to change things, probably. But I know that he is still with us, albeit a different way, and sometimes it's hard to remember, but I have to think he's somehow with us in our experiences every day. This month is Suicide Awareness month, so I think it's time I finally blog and honor the person Paul was, the tragedy that was his death, and the lack of understanding of anxiety and depression, which gave him no hope. Love you brother. 

Covid Continues, Fall/Winter 2021

 So by August we thought we were in the clear for Covid... boy were we wrong. I knew things were amiss when Mark's parents and sister all got Covid, after being vaccinated... but I left pretty confident I was safe to a Mom's weekend away in Missoula Montana! An amazing trip dancing, rafting, hiking, and exploring the cutest little city ever. 

Meanwhile while i was gone the boys had fun at the Vikings training camp. 

Once I got home, another trip, a final trip, to the cabin we went. It was Corny Days, which was a fun change of pace. Neat with a parade, town events, and a sweet day with. just my bigger boys. 

Back home we knew we had to make the most of the rest of the summer so an outdoor concert to see Ween it was, camel rides at the zoo and a HUGE connection class outside for OULA. 

SEPT 2021, BENNYS BIRTHDAY! We copied the year pre-covid and went to market fest and enjoyed some fun splashpad fun. He got a brand new bike, and had fun at school with donuts!

Then Dean's first day of 2nd grade. Followed by a very fun and memorable celebration of life of Mark's grandmother. Lots of family, friends, and remembrance of a wonderful lady. (And of course VERY little sleep ;))

OCTOBER 2021

The start of the holiday season! Blowups, decorations, costumes, treats, and in the past tons of trick-or-treating. We started this year's October with an event at Dean's school. Something that has been missing with Covid. It was outdoors, felt very safe and SO fun to see Dean in his element. Also lots of sports this month-soccer and football (Benny opted to do nothing). Mark was Dean's coach and they had a great time.

Like always we took our annual trip to the apple orchard, but due to Covid exposures it was the first year we didn't get to do it with our usual friends. We still found tons of "pinky" apples :) 

Then mommy got away, AGAIN! (It was so needed after having a Covid baby!) I went to NC and stayed in a friend's mountain home. I got to also see my alma mater, and my closest college gfs my "suities". We did lots of relaxing, talking, and cheering on the Deacs! (And of course snacks!)

By the time i got back fall was in full swing (though the weather stayed soo mild!), fire day at school, and a beautiful trip to Spring Lake Park reserve a place we've been coming back to in the fall since Dean was born. 

Then came the Halloween festivities! The pumpkins at the zoo were a fave as usual (though we wished we had brought Gordie and Mark), a friend's Halloween party, a family Halloween party and of course Trick-or-treating. 

We also found a way to squeeze in a final outdoor Oula Connection class full of costumes, singing and dancing! 

I know this is getting long but that's what happens when you only blog a few times a year ;) 

NOVEMBER

The good weather continued! Hockey season started and we have TWO cute players. 

This month we knew things were ramping up with Covid... it was getting stressful but we continued to use mitigation strategies where we could. However, I did start teaching OULA inside at a WONDERFUL studio called the Warehouse in Rosemount. Unfortunately shortly after starting I got Covid... that significantly impacted our Holiday plans. Luckily after about 10 days I started to be able to do some things. Additionally we received so many people offering to grab things for us, cook meals, or send us take out. Without that, I don't know how Mark would have managed taking care of all three boys, working AND letting me lie in bed for 5 days straight. We had a quiet thanksgiving as a family (though reflecting it was EXHAUSTING prepping even the food that i hadn't previously prepared. Additionally, I was still having lots of chest discomfort and headaches. It took me about 30 days to feel "myself" and I still have more chest discomfort than before. Luckily I"m back to all my normal activities AND NO ONE ELSE in the family got it. 

We also still got to enjoy some of our favorite holiday traditions with decor, and walks and of course TONS of Christmas lights. 

LAST but not least, DECEMBER

This is the month I started to feel more like myself. Of course in MN started with LOTS of snow.... over 14 inches to be exact! Followed by an absurd amount of rain that melted almost all of it.

A month FULL of Christmas light walks with Gordie and Benny (and Dean and Daddy when we were lucky.... hard to argue when it's only 40 degrees in MN in December!) Cookies, decorations, daycare traditions, and Santa! Holiday parties too!

Of course tons more hockey,  and the boys got Vaccinated! (Lucky for them that included a trip to the Mall of America where they got to go on a ride and eat a treat). 

Then we ended the month by flying out on Christmas day to my brother's new home, Ligonier PA. A cute little small town about 1.5 hours from PIT (not a fun drive to make after flying with three kids) but TOTALLY worth it! WE got to go to a park with the COOOLEST slides, see the UGLIEST house of all time, see a cute town center, eat yummy treats, have lots of cousin, grandparent and board game time, and go on a few beautiful mountain hikes! No body wanted to leave AND thankfully we all had covid right before the trip so knew it would be unlikely that it would be cancelled for that. 

Overall the year had ups and downs (like all). And the stress of going 24 days without Childcare when I had covid, and now 14 more since the boys were exposed has definitely been taxing both physically and emotionally. I'm grateful this year my job is NOT in a classroom or I would feel like I was severely letting my students down (now I'm just letting down teacher :( ) I am grateful for a new gym to call home after some unfortunate experiences at my previous place, and I'm so grateful for family and friends who continue to support us through hard times. Life is never going to be easy, but being able to live through the good and bad with others make it's all possible. I'll end with some quick kid reflections.

Dean-Is the sweetest big brother in the world. He loves nothing more than to wrestle his baby brother, and write stories with Benny. He LOVES sports like no one but his dad, and although hates it, does great at school. He drives us crazy with his big emotions, but we are grateful someone is willing to experience "all the feels" like his mom. We're lucky to have such a role model for the other two. 

Benny-Is such a goofball, but really matured this year. He listens and does things without protest (usually), hates to get dressed, could sing and listen to music all day, and appreciates all the little "treasures". He'll eat almost anything you put in front of him, and ADORES his baby brother. He also loves snuggles with dad. Oh , and he got stitches again.... no surprise.

Gordie-He is such a light, as long as he's getting his way :) He's OBSESSSED With his paci and becoming quite the parrot! He'll repeat most of what he hears whether it's a song or just a phrase. He loves mama, and seems to be into sports too. I can't believe he'll almost be 2. He'll continue to be my baby a while longer, and I'll take all his sweet snuggles and "hugs" anyday.